Downey Hoover is an agent of the Rhizome, but he has a broblem: he gets scat attacks.
Shoobie doo-wap bop shoo-bop bop, shooo...
So whenever he's sneaking up on somebody to kill them, he's always running the risk of scatin' out of control. It hasn't happened since he killed Pointus Bartholemieu...
He was sneekin' up on him like somethin' silent when these scats just started slippin' out his mouth...
Scoot ti de ba ba da doobie doobie doo boo da...
And Bartholemieu no doubt heard this nonsense and turned around. But even though Downey was scatin' that didn't stop him from capin' Pointus in the face.
Pop!
Pointus grumbled "bollocks" and died as Downey scated.
Shoobie do do cha, chapa du cha che...
It was a terrible incodent and Downey didn't want it to happen again. It was dishonorable, he thought, to sputter such nonsense over a man as he died. So he drove this morning to Hattingsworth Pendleton-Huxley Bureau to the St. Christopher Hospital to inquire about his uncontrollable scat attacks.
~
"Oh there's no doubt that these attacks are quite undesireable, Mr. Hoover." the physician stated. "And not at all acceptable in proper society."
"Indeed, sir."
"Though I must ask you some questions and I apologize if they are of a personal nature. But I shall remind you that these inquiries are only for the benifit of your health, sir."
"Of course."
The physician looks down at his clipboard, "Are you the son of interracial parents?"
"Oh heavens no, sir."
Check.
"And have you at any time had associations with a negro?"
"No."
"What about in your childhood?"
"I don't recall, sir."
"Perhaps, you had a negro nanny?"
"My nanny was an old English woman born and raised in Cottingdale-Hastings Bureau. She was of the Saxton family whom are of direct lineage from the Queen's second butler."
"Ah, of the Pendleburrey family. A very pure breed, sir. But what about servants. Any negro servants?"
"I don't recall. I don't have a mind that pays much attention to the negros, so I suppose it's entirely possible."
"Ah, but the mind's eye, sir. The mind's eye could have easily spotted one."
"Entirely possible."
"So it is possible that when you were still in the cradle, a negro servant was cleaning nearby, and possibly hymning to themselves a rap song."
"Yes..."
"And this was somehow imbedded in your mind in a way that you were absolutely helpless to resist; you didn't know the risks of listening to this kind of sound, so your poor mind was molested."
"Molested!"
"Yes, molested. By a negro servant." The doctor pulls out a chattering vile from his white pockets, "These pills will remedy your problem."
"Thak god, sir."
"Their simple molestations are no match for modern medicine."
~
Downey took his medicine as deliberately as possible. Though he did not follow the directions as precisely as he should have. He took them with milk when he should have used Hashworth Whiskey. So he started to develop a crease in the center of his face. By the second day, it was more of a great divide. And then a bi-lateral covex started to form across his scalp, which caused his hair to fall out at this location. By the third day his mouth separated into six equalateral tri-vexes, whereas they each developed in this position, their own sets of lips.
By this time, Downey was obviously worried, but he couldn't bring himself to go outside, or even show his face to the outside world, for fear that he might scare people into heart attacks. But his horror was far from over. His voice became as silent as a breeze because of his separate mouths and only a single set of teeth. Though he would then develop on the fourth day a newly formed orvis, which is basically a hole in his temple so that he could attach USB compatable devices to his brain. But first he needed a driver and several other hardware modifications before it was entirely operable. So his brain separated in two - right down the middle and then developed their own halves. He now had two brains - one to control general functions and the other to control interaction with human manufactured devices.
But this was only the beginning. After the separation of the brain, his eyes formed angenieux cortexes, a sort of telephoto system for spying on his enemies - he had always wanted this. And after this, he could feel in his throat something tremendous happening. In fact, he was developing six vocal boxes, every one speaking a different language: English, French, Spanish, Russian, Mandarin and Arabic - this was the default programming, however, he could change them in the future via USB. And after the six voices came to be, the seventh seal in his face closed - that being his original mouth.
And the moment it was sealed, there was a tremendous build of pressure from within, and so pockets of wrath bulged from his first cheeks and grew with such tremendous speed, that they had to be coated in ambulance, and with regards to where the pressure would go after this, a passage to the nasal cavity was to be forged, and the air released there. The pressure was from, of course, the heartache of loosing his face, but mostly from his own decision to continue breathing. When he looked in the mirror for the last time, he began to scat in six languages - but they all sounded the same.
