This is a lucritive business opportunity which your business cannot refuse. N.D.P. promises you just that - no down payment. Period. Exclifuckingmation point.
Let's take Ned for example: his face was a problem. Ned was caught on camera reading our book, "The Secret to Having No More Down Payments", and the authorities have this on file, and can use it against Ned at any time they please. Soon, when he ends up in court, the prosecuter will show the judge this tape - and of course since all judges are corrupt - he will be immediatley charged with guilt against whatever crime he probably didn't commit.
So we took Ned's face and removed it, replaced it with a new one, and took the old one to a taxedrmist so that Ned could at least frame it on his wall as a token of his past - this isn't Ned's fault that he had to switch his face, this was the workings of a watchful society on its curious subjects. Now Ned has resumed his life under a new face, a face which got him a new job at a Pentium computer chip factory which manufactures Pentium II microprocessors - he is in charge of the quality assurance program for the MMX module. Intel likes Ned not for his new face, but his decision to include the fact that he switched his face on his employment application - his face wasn't on the physical application, rather, he wrote in english about his face surgery. Because the general manager of the plant's daughter benifited from N.D.P.'s new face program, there was an immediate connection between the two men in the office...
"Jesus christ, my daughter had that surgery just yesterday! Gave her a new face!"
"And it gave me a new face, too."
"Have you heard about N.D.P.'s total body purification program?"
"No."
"Your fuckin' hired!"
Ned hadn't heard about N.D.P.'s Total Body Purification (TBP) program, which consists of removing vital organs of the body and subjecting them to 48 hours of rigurous cleansing processes which are carried out at our special lab in Valklyre, Nova Scotia. Specially trained physicians coupled with the latest technology are able to zero in on parts of these vital organs (the spleen, liver, both kidneys) and rid them of chemicals which can cause cancer or general drowsyness. The general manager of the Pentium microprocessor plant was inclined to go through with the surgery itself, but he was in the process of carefully heading the warnings associated with the TBP program.
The warnings on the TBP program could be summed up in the case of Bledsoe, a slightly overweight woman who offered her body as a science project for our organization. When Bledsoe's vital organs were removed, namley the second kidney, our specialists found that there needed to be a way to sustain the functioning of this organ in Bledsoe's body. Unfortunatley, our specialists thought about this after the fact both kidneys were actually removed, an event which resulted in her imminent death. Bledsoe's other organs were salvaged, however, for trials on the cleansing processes; specialists found that when a mixture of Lava bar soap and nectar-of-brusselsprouts was applied to the surface of all the organs with steel wool, the organs were totally destroyed, leaving what would best be described in words as a mutilation of human organs. Though, our specialists learn from these failures and do not repeat them the second time around - a wide-ruled Mead composition notebook contains a catalogue of these failures, and the specialists review this catalog carefully before every procedure.
If TBP is not for you, than our company does offer one other thing: deep discounts. And when we say deep discounts, we're not talking about the 9th ward and its inhabitants, we're talking James Cameron films like "The Abyss" - deeper than "Titanic", these discounts will crack your company in half. You'll find that with our deep discounts, your company will benifit so much that you'll have to split its offering on the stock market into A and B stocks. With Deep Discount - you're going so deep, you'll probably wish you had a flashlight along with a pressurized cabin around you - which is why we offer the Total Security Protection II program. This program offers you so much security, you won't be able to breathe. That's a good time to start thinking about the Good Night Productivity simulator, which is a computer that interfaces with your brain while you sleep, so that it may give you real, good, supple dreams that last as long as you tell the computer you want them to. And when the dream is all over, the computer always sets a small amount of time to bring you slowly back to reality - this is all programable, and of course secure when coupled with TSPII. If you don't couple the GNP simulator with TSPII, the simulator is vulnerable to dream theft. Much like identity theft, dream theft happens when you are dreaming through a simulated interface, and a computer hacker decides to peep into or even steal your drems - replacing them with nothing or more horrifyingly - nightmares. We think that security is so important, that we don't offer it as a standard option with the GNP simulator, but as a pricey addition which might have you paying for months out your asshole for our services - because we like to give you deep, deep, deep discounts with no down payment. Period.
Saturday, September 17, 2005
Saturday, September 10, 2005
I might have a dead face
The next time Reeder goes through the drive-thru, a common occurrence in this American way (and possibly globally, though I don't know the status of fast-food proliferation in other nations), he will throw up a steel coffee can affront the speak, and when the personnel asks, "Welcome to Fast Place would you like to try our (x)?", you will bang the hell out of this can with your car keys (yes, you might just have to remove them from the ignition - this process might wear on your starter) and you will yell "Clipped to his fat!"
This phrase, when heard on the other end of the speak, will sound like some alien ruler from a far off planet, possibly, or maybe a tribal ritual from Africa, stereotypically, as it will probably be listened to by some unfortunate African-American, this might prove to be most entertaining.
Khlipthuis Fatt; Reeder shant be afraid to blend these words as such, as this will only enhance confusion, and thus eccentricity of the random act. These poor folks on the other end of the speak, patiently awaiting your orders at a commission of five and a half to no more than eight dollars per hour, are indeed so poor at this moment, having to put up with such a wreched occupation, and now, having to deal with some unorderly business that was not explained to them in training: how to deal with foolish customers.
Reeder shouldn't worry about feeling racist or generally bad about doing this, though its probably completley natural if Reeder does feel these ways - they are unfortunate feeling that have been established from the very succeptable times of childhood. It is mereley the procussion of an empty coffee tin against a set of keys, the addition of your voice only personalizes the act, and adds valor to the courageous scene, in which drivers waiting behind Reeder might observe, "Ah, this fool. Oh, and now he speaks! Now I know what his voice sounds like. Ah, yes... he has a stupid voice! What a fool! What is he saying?"
Some obscure passage should never be avoided, wheather it is a convex vagina that pinches at its own ends, or a cobblestone road whose own name is so descriptive of how it feels to your shaking face as your wheel-based conveyance strugles to maintain a smooth ride over such obscurity, or even if the passage is through a simple hallway with a band of gangsters approaching your direction, spreading across the entire width; Reeder wonders to himself, "Will they open a passage for me? Or will I end up having to make a rough contact with two of them, possibly starting a brawl that most certainly would end up in my defeat..."
Don't turn around. Make your own passage, forge through the crappy flood of crap that lurks almost everywhere you walk while in public. These publics - this public, you should never fear that it will make you take passages you don't want to take; this is obscene. The public is a loose, weak network of people who are just as timid as Reeder might feel; this public is so easily penetrated for obscure use, its irresistable; its like a batch of pumpkins on the first of November, just waiting to be taken and craked open - exposing what guts and seeds have not been previously removed by the Carvers.
The Carvers - let me tell you something about these motherfuckers - the Carvers are this hoard of thieves who steal many things including: youth; culture; abstinence; the ability to comfortably daydream without thinking that you're wasting your time; cash; budding friendships, and sometimes, long-lasting friendships; a well balanced diet; vacations; cheap gasoline; small pills that when placed in warm water, inflate into small foam dinosaurs which you can later use as a cleaning sponge; economical utility; diversity; the unacceptance of poorly manufactured products which are designed to fall apart after five years of use so that it may further the ends of the great economy; knowledge of heirarchical institutions and practices; true liberty; the abundance of clams; the abundance of good music; mainstream obscurity; surrealism as a form of popular entertainment; the ability of the newsmedia to be trusted and thus important; drinkable water from nature; the agility and practicality of a bicycle; information which would make the powerful look less than powerful; the dignity of people who choose not to drink alcohol; your face.
This phrase, when heard on the other end of the speak, will sound like some alien ruler from a far off planet, possibly, or maybe a tribal ritual from Africa, stereotypically, as it will probably be listened to by some unfortunate African-American, this might prove to be most entertaining.
Khlipthuis Fatt; Reeder shant be afraid to blend these words as such, as this will only enhance confusion, and thus eccentricity of the random act. These poor folks on the other end of the speak, patiently awaiting your orders at a commission of five and a half to no more than eight dollars per hour, are indeed so poor at this moment, having to put up with such a wreched occupation, and now, having to deal with some unorderly business that was not explained to them in training: how to deal with foolish customers.
Reeder shouldn't worry about feeling racist or generally bad about doing this, though its probably completley natural if Reeder does feel these ways - they are unfortunate feeling that have been established from the very succeptable times of childhood. It is mereley the procussion of an empty coffee tin against a set of keys, the addition of your voice only personalizes the act, and adds valor to the courageous scene, in which drivers waiting behind Reeder might observe, "Ah, this fool. Oh, and now he speaks! Now I know what his voice sounds like. Ah, yes... he has a stupid voice! What a fool! What is he saying?"
Some obscure passage should never be avoided, wheather it is a convex vagina that pinches at its own ends, or a cobblestone road whose own name is so descriptive of how it feels to your shaking face as your wheel-based conveyance strugles to maintain a smooth ride over such obscurity, or even if the passage is through a simple hallway with a band of gangsters approaching your direction, spreading across the entire width; Reeder wonders to himself, "Will they open a passage for me? Or will I end up having to make a rough contact with two of them, possibly starting a brawl that most certainly would end up in my defeat..."
Don't turn around. Make your own passage, forge through the crappy flood of crap that lurks almost everywhere you walk while in public. These publics - this public, you should never fear that it will make you take passages you don't want to take; this is obscene. The public is a loose, weak network of people who are just as timid as Reeder might feel; this public is so easily penetrated for obscure use, its irresistable; its like a batch of pumpkins on the first of November, just waiting to be taken and craked open - exposing what guts and seeds have not been previously removed by the Carvers.
The Carvers - let me tell you something about these motherfuckers - the Carvers are this hoard of thieves who steal many things including: youth; culture; abstinence; the ability to comfortably daydream without thinking that you're wasting your time; cash; budding friendships, and sometimes, long-lasting friendships; a well balanced diet; vacations; cheap gasoline; small pills that when placed in warm water, inflate into small foam dinosaurs which you can later use as a cleaning sponge; economical utility; diversity; the unacceptance of poorly manufactured products which are designed to fall apart after five years of use so that it may further the ends of the great economy; knowledge of heirarchical institutions and practices; true liberty; the abundance of clams; the abundance of good music; mainstream obscurity; surrealism as a form of popular entertainment; the ability of the newsmedia to be trusted and thus important; drinkable water from nature; the agility and practicality of a bicycle; information which would make the powerful look less than powerful; the dignity of people who choose not to drink alcohol; your face.
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